Rollin' (Rollin') Rollin' (Rollin') Rollin' on the River

Instead of the normal, mind-numbing, ho-hummery that is the quarterly executive board meeting, my co-workers and I trekked up to Hannibal-LaGrange College for the two-day meeting with our executive board. We capped it off with a dinner cruise on the M-I-crooked letter-crooked letter-I-crooked letter-crooked letter-I-humpback-humpback-I River.

Sure it was hokey and yes, the dinner buffet was school cafeteria-grade at best, but it still made for a surprisingly fun way to kill three hours.

The boat was, of course, christened the Mark Twain and despite the significant cheese factor, I began to get in the mood and enjoy the spirit of Mr. Twain. (The reader is no doubt aware that "Mark Twain" was merely a pseudonym for Samuel Langhorne Clemens. His nom de plume comes from the river boat practice of marking twain, which is measuring to ensure that the river is at least 12 (twain) feet deep and thus safe for the steam boat to navigate. It sounds like a normal enough name today, but to his contemporaries, I imagine it sounded odd.)

I’ve always liked Marky Mark Twain. I remember reading the dumbed-down Great Illustrated Classics (I owned and LOVED the entire series) versions of Tom Sawyer, Huckleberry Finn and A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court. In high school, I marveled at how some people could possibly be dumb enough to ban Huck Finn from school/public libraries. Twain is the father and patron saint of American humor (which is built on sarcasm, as opposed British humor which is based on puns and cross dressing) and was the inspiration for Foghorn Leghorn. He was a hip guy, and I bet he'd get a kick out of Tina Turner's version of Proud Mary.

Then there’s the famous quote, “the report of my death was an exaggeration" (more colorful versions of this quote are even greater exaggerations). A few weeks ago, when Hannibal was battling record floods, CNN and other national news outlets erroneously reported that all of Hannibal, Twain’s hometown were under water. The clever editor of the Hannibal Courier-Post came up with this banner headline on the paper’s website: “The reports of our being under water are an exaggeration.”

Our riverboat was moored at a dock within sight of his boyhood home and whitewashed picket fence, the very one that inspired a rascally Tom Sawyer to conscript his friends into service. Less than a mile upstream is a small island that was the setting for several of Tom and Huck’s shenanigans. Outside of town is Injun Joe's Go-Karts and Mini-Golf, but I'm not sure of their historical authenticity or literary significance.

The day was warm and it was pleasantly quiet on the boat, even with all the people on board. High up on the third deck, sitting just in front of the wheel house, all you could hear was the lapping of the waves, the gentle hum of the motor and the dulcet tones of the harmonica banjo courtesy of the evening’s live entertainer. His set list included such Mississippi River "classics" as Your Cheatin’ Heart, The Theme from The Beverly Hillbillies and various show tunes.Mamma Mia’s Dancing Queen not withstanding, I can see why Huck Finn and Jim answered the call of Old Man River. Although the engine was at full throttle and we were headed down stream, the River seemed slow, lazy and still. For the first time in my life, I wanted nothing more than a fishing line and a corncob pipe. That, or bust out the playing cards and start playing Mel Gibson and Jodie Foster for a million bucks.

It’s been a long time since I read The Adventures of Tom Sawyer or The Adventures of Huck Finn, but I know there’s an ever so appropriate Twain quote to describe this transient yet mostly sincere connection to the river. Surely a word smith such as he, a product of the Mississippi and a veteran steamboat pilot could express what I and my mild efforts cannot.

I get back home and Google "Twain quotes" for the perfect summation of the Mighty Mississippi and her vital essece. Here’s the best I could come up with:

It is good for steam boating, and good to drink; but it is worthless for all other purposes, except baptizing.

Leave it to Mark Twain to give a posthumous (probably sarcastic, he despised organized religion) shout out to a boat full of Baptists.

Big wheel, keep on turnin'!

(Note: The photos are in no particular order)

An island in the middle of the river. Or stream.




Mark Twain's statue, gazing out over the waters.

Looks a wee bit stern.

A fake steam exhaust pipe thing.

I don't know why, but I've always loved those colorful gumballs on power lines.




Again.



River and bluff at sunset.



Apparently the flat "platform" is Lovers' Leap.


Cool light.

Looking up toward the third deck.



Ding dong.



Flag in sun...


Flag at sunset.



Part of the staff and exec board/bored.





The river is on fire!



Downtown Hannibal.



A barge tug pushing freight down stream.





Just in case.




Neato bridge.



The Mark Twain.

Back on land



That's a big wheel.




Fake paddle wheel.





I'm mildly concerned that there's an adolescent girl at the wheel...




I have no idea.

He sure did like his show tunes.

And now some short vids:

Is anyone left to fight this battle? Anyone? Anyone?

Missourians who believe that they are not the great-great-great grandchildren of apes, now have an unlikely advocate on their side.

Hollywood. Ben Stein is an actor, writer, former college professor, game show host political analyst and former presidential speech writer and now you can add spokesman for Intelligent Design to his resume. Although he is probably most well known for his role in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, his latest movie, a documentary called Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed [see A Rough Cut's review here], is coming to the defense of Intelligent Design and all those who would question Darwinism. I attended a screening of the PG film in the Capitol Rotunda where the entertainer introduced it and answered questions.

Stein, it should be noted, is Jewish. Expelled, which Stein narrates with his droll, monotone, will not lead the viewer to Christ nor will insist you believe that the Judeo-Christian God created the earth in six days. It does however, equip the viewer with the tools to question the strangle hold Darwinism has on the academic community. Stein is a strong ally for many Christians and others who are seemingly being denied academic freedom because they refuse to believe in a certain scientific theory. This is what prompted Stein to make the movie.

“Nothing can be questioned about Darwinism, unless you want to be in severe academic jeopardy,” he said. “I have been very troubled by this strangle hold Darwinism has on academic pursuits and by the fact that if you raise the slightest question about Darwinism, you can get fired, lose you job, grants and websites. This didn’t seem to us to be constant with the doctrines of free speech and freedom of inquiry that are basic to the functioning of the United States of America. So many people did not give their lives so that one certain dogma could have a stranglehold on academic pursuits while everything else was expelled.”

The scientific alternative being suppressed and the focus of the film is called “Intelligent Design.” The idea says biological evidence suggests that life is too complex to be explained by random mutation (Darwinian evolution) and that the origin of life and the diversity of species on our planet is best explained by the existence of a Creator. It’s proponents argue that it is not a religious theory and that creator isn’t necessarily God. But, as Stein points out, God’s role in creating the universe makes at least as much sense as Darwin’s proponents. The movie contends that Darwinism itself and many of the scientists who believe it are openly and vocally hostile toward Christians.

“I am not a scientist,” he said. “But I am someone who can draw conclusions from overwhelming evidence.”

Kerry Messer, lobbyist for the Missouri Baptist Convention was present at the screening and gives it two thumbs up and said students, teachers, parents and church leaders need to see Expelled.

“This is one of the most well-made documentaries I’ve ever seen,” Messer said. “It weaves all the elements of the debate together in an entertaining, funny way but in engaging way too. The most important part is that you have a man like Ben Stein basically challenging us: ‘Why are you being silent? Why are you sitting there while your kids are being taught lies?’

“Everyone should go see this movie, especially students and parents of students. While this movie does focus on higher academia, the same things are going on in elementary and secondary education regularly as well. Every pastor in the State of Missouri needs to see this movie so they understand the culture their parishioners live in.”

Expelled will be released April 18 and will be playing in 1000 theaters across the country, including many in Missouri.

But promoting a movie was just part of Stein’s purpose. He was also at the Capitol adding a loud, prominent voice in favor of two bills in the Missouri Legislature that would protect academic freedom and allow for alternatives to Darwinism to be taught and would ensure that students in Missouri’s colleges and universities do not have to sacrifice their faith to satisfy a professor’s whim. In fact, he said the bills were just as much the reason for his trip to Missouri as the movie.

“When we found out these bills were pending in the legislature here in Missouri, we want to come here, wave the flag and show our support for academic diversity and freedom of speech,” Stein said.

House Bill 2554, introduced by Rep. Wayne Cooper, would offer a shield of protection should a professor want to teach an alternative to Darwinism and acknowledge that there are legitimate scientific alternatives. It does not require the teaching or exclusion of any theory.

House Bill 1315, also known as the Emily Brooker Higher Education Sunshine Act, has been introduced by Rep. Jane Cunningham and would “develop methods to ensure that conflicts between personal beliefs and classroom assignments that may contradict such beliefs can be resolved in a manner that achieves educational objectives without requiring a student to act against his or her conscience.”

The bill is named after Emily Brooker, who questioned Missouri State University’s right to force her to lobby and act in favor of issues she believed to be morally wrong, in this particular case lobbying in favor of homosexual adoptive couples. She sued in 2006 and settled out of court.

“I never want to see anyone being forced to do academic chores that are repugnant to their faith and their core personal conscience,” Stein said. “All we’re doing is giving more of an opportunity for freedom of speech. You just have to keep inquiring, keep talking and keep debating. That’s the purpose of our movie. That’s the purpose of these bills here in trying to get academic freedom. I don’t see any reason why you should surrender your freedom or inquiry rights when you pick up your registration card for high school or college.”

Messer said Missouri Baptists should support these two bills. But, he said, the larger issue goes beyond these two bills.

“It’s just another area of public policy where the Church needs to reclaim it’s rightful place in culture as the Bible says is our responsibility. The reason these things go on is because the church has been disengaged for too many years. These are fundamental bills, not only education but to our culture. More and more, the university is molding our students’ worldview. The church should be doing that and engaged is this debate.”

Stein said seeing legislation such as this crop up is the true goal of the film.

“The threshold of success for this movie will be if we can get bills like this moving and if we can get people to understand we are about academic freedom and not suppression,” he said. “We’re about freedom of thought, and of inquiry. The kind of freedom that makes this country great and makes Missouri great. Is anyone left to fight this battle? Anyone? Anyone?”

The Man, the Genius, the Quotes.

"Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose."

"The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help."

"The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant: It's just that they know so much that isn't so."

"Of the four wars in my lifetime none came about because the U.S. was too strong."

"I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress."

"The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination."

"Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other."

"The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program."

"I've laid down the law, though, to everyone from now on about anything that happens: No matter what time it is, wake me, even if it's in the middle of a Cabinet meeting."

"It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first."

"Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it."

"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book."

"No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women."

"If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under."

"All great change in America begins at the dinner table."

"Before I refuse to answer your questions, I have an opening statement."

"Entrepreneurs and their small enterprises are responsible for almost all the economic growth in the United States."

"Facts are stubborn things."

"Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same."

"Heroes may not be braver than anyone else. They're just braver five minutes longer."

"How do you tell a communist? Well, it's someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an anti-Communist? It's someone who understands Marx and Lenin."

"Abortion is advocated only by persons who have themselves been born."