Better than a Toe-Jam Smoothie

It’s 11:42 p.m., I’m driving home from the late showing of Walk Hard, and all I can think about is a nice, piping hot order of McDonald’s french fries.

OK, so it’s really 12:54 p.m. and I’m just killing time on my lunch break, but man I would have given anything for a few fries this weekend. Today marks the one-week anniversary of me and my diet. So far I’m actually doing OK. I was able to resist the fry episode and other than that, I really haven’t had any powerful cravings.

This is my first diet, and so far it’s not too bad. My only complaint is that it flat out sucks. It surprises me that no one has come to this conclusion before. I genuinely LOVE food. The physical act of eating gives me pleasure so the concept of a diet just seems horribly wrong to me. I’ve always had a “positive” body image and didn’t really care what I looked like, but I saw some pictures of me over the holiday. It’s amazing how different I looked just a few years ago. Couple that with some people I really respect telling me they’re concerned for my health, and I guess I’ve decided it’s time to do something. We’ll see how it goes. I’m hoping for the best. It does annoy me, however, that we don’t have a magic pill by now. It also annoys me to walk into a huge grocery story and only be able to eat grapes and roasted almonds.

But, I’m a big boy, and I can see that the life-long benefits of good health, more energy, the ability to fit into my old Army uniform, blah blah blah outweigh the temporal pleasures of a chili-covered bacon double cheeseburger. My mother and I worked out a pretty tasty weekly menu comprised of meals that are surprisingly filling.

The worst thing isn’t opting for 39 low-fat pretzel sticks once a day instead of downing a sack of Lays or having a turkey wrap instead of going to Pizza Hut for the buffet. The torture is in giving up Dr Pepper.

No, the real cruelty is in taking up Diet Dr Pepper.

“Tastes more like real Dr Pepper,” my foot! Yeah, this bubbly, brown liquid tastes more like real Dr Pepper than a toe-jam smoothie, but that doesn’t give anyone the right to defile the sacred DP label. I don’t know what they put in here to replace the sugar, but it’s not good enough.

Give me good ole H2O.

On second thought, I need something with a bite to it. I’ll take a Route 44 Diet Dr Pepper, please, easy on the ice.