I Wonder What Would Happen If...

... the cable news shows began using auto-tune, just like Kanye?

via gizmodo

A Classic

I know this is just about the oldest joke in the book, but it's still funny. Couldn't you just eat him up?

Google Maps Typography

via this guy

Oh Noes!

Back when I was a young journalist and full of pluck (a three-and-a-half week stretch in 1999), I really enjoyed CNN. I liked the news ticker that crawled across the bottom of the screen and for some reason I was really impressed by Larry King. The idea that you didn't have wait until 10:02 that night to learn of the goings on of the world was still pretty novel and I was impressed that they were able to go steady, 24 hours a day. As the news industry as progressed, CNN.com has become of many sites I hit to stay informed. But CNN is beginning to abuse the privilege.

Their top story has the following, earth-shattering headline: 21 polo horses die in South Florida! Now, I like horsies just as much as the next guy (they taste delicious!) but by what stretch of the imagination is this the most important news item of the day? I guess it's only right that a far less important story like Iran to allow appeal for US journalist convicted as spy be listed 13th on the page.

Come on, Ted Turner. Snap out of it.

Were there Pan Flutes and Accordions?? Yes. There were Pan Flutes and Accordions.

Last night I trekked to St. Louis’s FABULOUS FOX THEATRE* to see one of my favorite artists of all-time, the one and only Paul Simon. He was worth the 150-mile drive, even if I had to sit there for 113 minutes before he even came on stage and I didn’t get home until 2:31 this morning.

The event was actually the 21st Annual Bob Costas Benefit for the children’s cancer wing at a local hospital. I’ve never been to a benefit like this before, and was surprised to see about half the crowd in tuxes and prom dresses. I at least wore a sport coat, so I was far from the most underdressed. If you’re going to expect people to suit up for a concert, you need to make that clear on the tickets.

The FABULOUS FOX THEATRE is pretty cool. You really should take a look at the architecture and décor. I've been to some pretty awesome theaters across the world, but the Fox takes the cake. If I lived in the STL, I'd be there every weekend.

Bob Costas emceed, and he’s actually a funny guy. “There are so many kids that need our help, and Madonna can’t adopt them all.” Also a winner: "This economy is rough on everyone and people are being let go all the time. I don’t know if you remember, but it used to be Simon AND Garfunkel.” Not a winner: All three Sarah Palin jokes. I get it. She likes to shoot things and can see Russia from her front porch.

The first “act” was comedian Robert Klein. I’m told he’s a very famous and influential comedian. I may be exposing myself as very un-hip, but I didn’t think he was funny. Comic ballads to colonoscopies just don’t seem that cutting edge. The short sports announcer with the great hair did much better.

His set lasted an hour, then we had an intermission and I promise you 35 full minutes of thanking sponsors. But it’s hard to complain because some kid is across town dying of leukemia. Finally Paul Simon came on at exactly 9:53. Way to go, Walten Family Dentistry, for being a Silver Circle Sponsor! Next time I'm stuck in St. Louis and need a filling, I'm calling you!

I love Paul Simon. The second album I ever bought with my own money was Simon and Garfunkel’s Sounds of Silence (the first was the soundtrack to Cocktail. Don’t judge me, you know you love Kokomo) and I’ve been a fan ever since. I like they way he speaks his words as he sings them. I also am a fan of his later, post-Garkfunkel solo work, but to a slightly lesser extent. But come on, who doesn’t love the music video to Call Me Al? The world could use a few more Chevy Chase cameos.

A lot of people merely shout lyrics in tune but not Paul Simon. He lays the words down very carefully. I also really respect that he is a singer/songwriter. I’m not going to knock the artist that only sings another’s songs, but it takes a special person to cover every single angle of the process. He is 68 years old, but his voice is as strong, clear and smooth as ever. Backed up by his nine-man band, he sounded great. You can tell he truly loves making music.

He is also a very, very little man.

The set list (not in order):

Slip Sliding Away
Graceland
Gumboots
Crazy Love
Diamonds on the Souls of Her Shoes
Still Crazy After All These Years
Call Me Al
The Boy in the Bubble

From the S&G era:

Mrs. Robinson
Sounds of Silence
The Only Living Boy in New York
Me and Julio Down by the School Yard
The Boxer

The S&G tracks were pretty freaking awesome, even if they weren’t note-for-one the same as the original recordings. S&G bread and butter was (were?) their delicate harmonies and Simon had to rearrange a lot of the songs to fit one vocalist. I sang along to try to help him out, but I’m no Art Garfunkel. I just don’t have the hair.

He didn’t play everything I wanted to hear, but beggars can’t be choosers. I would have loved to have heard 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover, Cecelia, Scarborough Fair and Bridge Over Troubled Waters. Oh well, you can’t win ‘em all.

So I tick off another box on my See Before I (of They) Die List. I got Queen a few years ago in Chicago and I’m planning on seeing Brian Wilson in NJ this fall. If Paul McCartney will just go on tour one more time, I can rest easy.

Oh, interesting tidbit: and there was a blind woman next to me. Her dog just slept at her feet the whole time. I guess he just wasn't music lover.

*It kills me that people/institutions get this wrong: theatRE is an art form. TheatER is a building.

It Kinda Renews Your Faith in the Human Race

I'm man enough to admit I love watching The Sound of Music. Real men dig musicals! Truly macho men dig musicals re-envisioned in Belgian train stations.

Sound of Music: belgian Train Station

Heh heh

Arrrrrrrg

I think we can all agree that we're relieved the captain of the Maersk Alabama was finally rescued over the weekend and that the pirate threat has been (temporarily) nullified by some sharp shooting Navy SEALs. (see story here) Piracy in the modern era has become a real threat to lives and property, and bears no resemblance to the "glamorous" characters in the semi-entertainment Disney movies.

That said, let's all pause to make light (again temporarily) of the problems that plague the Indian Ocean and enjoy the idea of actual seals and pirates locked in mortal combat on the high seas.

Happy Easter!

By Robert Lowry

Low in the grave He lay,
Jesus my Savior,
Waiting the coming day,
Jesus my Lord!

Vainly they watch His bed,
Jesus my Savior;
Vainly they seal the dead,
Jesus my Lord!

Death cannot keep its Prey,
Jesus my Savior;
He tore the bars away,
Jesus my Lord!

Up from the grave He arose,
With a mighty triumph o’er His foes,
He arose a Victor from the dark domain,
And He lives forever, with His saints to reign.
He arose! He arose!
Hallelujah! Christ arose!

Sigh.

Breaking news: Hillary Clinton is waging war one of my major goals in life: to set foot on all seven continents, including Antarctica. I had planned to knock Australia and Asia off the list before going to frolic with the penguins, but now I may have to move it up on the itinerary. Why, Hillary? What did I ever do to you?

Clinton calls for stricter Antarctic tourism limits

(CNN) - Secretary of State Hillary Clinton called for tighter controls over tourism and other forms of pollution in Antarctica Monday, arguing for greater global cooperation to help preserve the continent's environmental and scientific research value.

The Dry Valley region of Antarctica has seen an increase in visits by tourists.

Addressing a joint session of the Arctic Council and the Antarctic Treaty Consultative Meeting in Baltimore, Maryland, Clinton said the Obama administration is concerned about the growing popularity of tourism in the southern polar region.

She said the United States is proposing new international limits on the number of landings from tourist vessels, as well as greater cooperation to prevent potentially hazardous discharges from those ships.

At the same time, the United States is proposing new requirements for lifeboats on tourist ships "to make sure they can keep passengers alive until rescue comes," Clinton noted.

Aside from worrying about the environmental impact of tourism, the U.S. is "concerned about the safety of the tourists and the suitability of the ships that make the journey south," she said. Video Watch Clinton say how the Antarctic has been protected from war »

The issue of tourism in the Antarctic has become an increasingly divisive issue in recent years, pitting scientists and preservationists against a travel industry seeking to capitalize on a growing demand for adventure and nature-oriented tours.

Over 46,000 tourists visited Antarctica in the 2007-2008 tour season -- almost four times as many visitors as during the 2000-2001 season, according to the International Association of Antarctica Tour Operators.

Clinton's remarks came as the United States helped mark the 50th anniversary of the Antarctic Treaty, a model for "how agreements created for one age can serve the world in another," Clinton said.

Clinton noted that President Obama sent the U.S. Senate an amendment to the treaty Friday that would spell out how the international community should better prevent and respond to environmental emergencies in Antarctica. The amendment would cover the question of liability tied to environmental damage in the ecologically sensitive region.

In addition, the United States has proposed an extension of the treaty's marine pollution rules "in a manner that more accurately reflects the boundaries of the Antarctic ecosystem," she noted.

"The treaty is a blueprint for the kind of international cooperation that will be needed more and more to address the challenges of the 21st century," Clinton said.

"It is an example of smart power at its best: governments coming together around a common interest and citizens, scientists and institutions from different countries joined in scientific collaboration to advance peace and understanding."

Clinton argued that the treaty "and its related instruments remain a key tool in our efforts to address an urgent threat of this time: climate change."

A number of international scientific research stations have been established in Antarctica in part to help explore the probable causes and effects of global warming.
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Twelve nations initially signed the Antarctic Treaty in 1959; 47 nations abide by it today. The accord specifies that Antarctic territory cannot be used for military purposes. It bans, among other things, nuclear testing and the disposal of radioactive waste material on the continent.

It also protects freedom for international scientific research in the region.

OK We're Going to Have a Problem Here

Hey Mack Brown? You're dead to me. You know what Kurt Vonnegut used to say about asterisks, don't you?

From The Oklahoman:

Texas claims Big 12 championship with an *

By Jake Trotter
Published: April 5, 2009

Prominently displayed on a wall inside Texas’ Moncrief-Neuhaus training facility is a list of the Longhorns’ Big 12 and South Division championships.

According to the Austin American-Statesman, the Longhorns have included 2008 among their Big 12 championships — with an asterisk.

Last season, OU edged out Texas and Texas Tech for the South title in a three-way tie determined by the BCS Standings, despite a fervent protest from Texas coach Mack Brown and Longhorn fans.

The Longhorns claimed that because they defeated OU head-to-head, they deserved to go to the Big 12 title game — despite the fact they also lost to Texas Tech, which created the three-way tie.

On the last week of the regular season, Texas fans even paid for a flyover in Stillwater before the Bedlam game to remind voters of Texas’ 45-35 win over OU in the Cotton Bowl.

Nevertheless, the Sooners went on to beat Missouri in Kansas City, Mo., to win their unprecedented third-consecutive Big 12 championship.

Apparently, that victory is still not being acknowledged in Austin.

Said one school official to the Statesman, “We beat both teams (OU and North Division winner Missouri). I thought that (championship game in Kansas City) was for the runner-up spot.”

Best.Cartoon.Ever.

TGIF

Get it? Because Family Matters was on TGIF?

Happy Friday!

Today was a pretty good and productive day:

I used a Best Buy Rewards thing that was going to expire tomorrow to order Citizen Kane, The Great Escape AND (hold onto your hats, folks) Milo and Otis. Toss in The Parent Trap and Smokey and the Bandit and you have the five best films ever made.

Leslie and I launched an online "book club," Miles of Books. She gets all the credit for the classy color scheme. We're starting with The Pilgrim's Progress. Reading begins Sunday.

I noticed the teller at the bank had made a deposit of $83.60 instead of $183.60 before I had driven home and then been forced to drive all the way across town and argue for 45 minutes.

I wrote a Seussian review of I Love You, Man.

I got my oil changed.

I came up with an excuse to go to KC next week and skip In Office Day.

I took a nap.

I discovered I look really good in yellow.