Security Breach!

(click to enlarge)

'Cause I'm the Tax Man

When I went to bed last night, my checking account had a balance $2.10. This morning when I woke up, it was $2,921.13.

It's the highest my balance has been in recent memory (maybe ever), thanks to pay day, a 34-cent bank error in my favor and my 2009 IRS refund.

I enjoy tax season. I've never been a math wiz, but I feel smart figuring my own taxes and I enjoy receiving large refunds. (Yes, I'm aware that refunds are for idiots. Smart people with good financial sense figure out exactly how much they have to pay in so their tax balance come April 15 is $0. If you're really smart you don't pay any taxes out of your paycheck, keeping it all and socking the money you will eventually pay into a high-yield money market account. To pay in extra just so you get a four-figure surprise every Spring is simply giving Uncle Sam a zero interest loan. You dumb peon.) To that I offer this argument: Shut up. Some of know the levels of discipline we're capable of, and it's a whole lot easier for me to do the right thing with a large amount of money than it is for me to do the right thing with a small amount 24 times a year.

So what are the right things? Well, last year I financed a road trip to Syracuse and dropped $500 on a stupid-yet-insanely-loud-and-fun toy. OK, so those aren't really smart things, but I had fun so again my retort is shut up, Poindexter. But this year I'm actually being semi-responsible. I brought my "emergency fund" up to snuff, wrote a check to my church to help send a group of college students to El Salvador for a mission trip cut my Sallie Mae balance in half with one fell swoop. Sure, my student loan balance was never that high, but it feels good make a dent.

Once I tack on my state refund and continue making regular monthly payments, I'll have it paid off by my birthday. Roll that extra money into my monthly payment for loan from the MBCU upstairs, and the snowball will have me debt-free (except for the house) by this time next year.

Huzzah! Now I just need to start thinking about how I can celebrating by blowing my 2010 tax refund.

Awesome

Nothing says "I don't agree with the stimulus/bailout" like a black-and-white bumper sticker. Touche Tennessee Republicans. Touche.

How Dumb Can You Get? Oh Wait, They're in California

OK This isn't Funny. Seriously, Who Rigged my Results?

From the files of Everyone Intelligent Seems to Hate it But I Enjoy it Anyway, I present Google Brian. I'm not sure where/why/how this meme flowered into being, it's at least twice as good as the iTunes shuffle thing but still not quite up to the level of 25 Things. Just Google "[your first name] needs" and see what "you" well, need.

Apparently, the aggregate wisdom of the Internet believes that I need the following:

• Brian needs to work out
• Brian needs a new Mac
• Brian needs a new job
• Brian needs your vote
• Brian needs food, badly
• Brian needs a theme song
• Brian needs a new ride, son
• Brian needs the security of a family
• Brian needs a break from marketing
• Brian needs a lesson in humility
  

Obama did WHAT? Oh it is ON now.

Via the London Telegraph
By Tim Shipman in Washington

A bust of the former prime minister once voted the greatest Briton in history, which was loaned to George W Bush from the Government's art collection after the September 11 attacks, has now been formally handed back.

The bronze by Sir Jacob Epstein, worth hundreds of thousands of pounds if it were ever sold on the open market, enjoyed pride of place in the Oval Office during President Bush's tenure.

But when British officials offered to let Mr Obama to hang onto the bust for a further four years, the White House said: "Thanks, but no thanks."

Diplomats were at first reluctant to discuss the whereabouts of the Churchill bronze, after its ejection from the seat of American power. But the British Embassy in Washington has now confirmed that it sits in the palatial residence of ambassador Sir Nigel Sheinwald, just down the road from Vice President Joe Biden's official residence. It is not clear whether the ambassador plans to keep it in Washington or send it back to London.

American politicians have made quoting Churchill, whose mother was American, something of an art form, but not Mr Obama, who prefers to cite the words and works of his hero Abraham Lincoln. Indeed a bust of Mr Lincoln now sits in the Oval Office where Epstein's Churchill once ruled the roost.

Churchill has less happy connotations for Mr Obama than those American politicians who celebrate his wartime leadership. It was during Churchill's second premiership that Britain suppressed Kenya's Mau Mau rebellion. Among Kenyans allegedly tortured by the colonial regime included one Hussein Onyango Obama, the President's grandfather.

The rejection of the bust has left some British officials nervously reading the runes to see how much influence the UK can wield with the new regime in Washington.

Now it is likely that Gordon Brown will offer a alternative symbol of Anglo-American fealty when he visits Washington to meet Mr Obama for the first time since he became President. Diplomats are still working to finalise a date for the visit which is expected in the final week of this month or early in March.

One suggestion, given Mr Obama's interest in the Lincoln era, is that Mr Brown should offer an artefact relating to the career of John Bright, the 19th Century MP and political reformer who became the most prominent British supporter of Lincoln's Union forces during the American Civil War.

A British Embassy spokesman said: "The bust of Sir Winston Churchill by Sir Jacob Epstein was uniquely lent to a foreign head of state, President George W Bush, from the Government Art Collection in the wake of 9/11 as a signal of the strong transatlantic relationship.

"It was lent for the first term of office of President Bush. When the President was elected for his second and final term, the loan was extended until January 2009.

"The new President has decided not to continue this loan and the bust has now been returned. It is on display at the Ambassador's Residence."

Mascot FAIL

I have a long-standing reputation for embracing all manner of crazy, goofy sports mascots. Philly Phanatic? Love 'im. The Phoenix Suns' Gorilla? Gorill-awesome. When I was in elementary school, I wanted to grow up to be L'il Red. But as much as I love suiting up and acting like an idiot in front of thousands of screaming fans, I draw the line at the bizarre Grizzly Adams/Bison hybrid that is the new mascot of the OKC Thunder, Rumble.

I guess I should cut them some slack. It is hard to come up with an anthropomorphic and/or hairy representation of "thunder" and I and you can never go wrong with bison. But does his "mane" have to be so... how would you describe it? Flowing? It makes me think of Native American hippie. A Native American hippie who wants to dunk on me, beat the drums and bust a move with the Thunder Girls. Furry arms and legs are one thing, but actual hair like that on a mascot is just weird. Even Chewbacca would be freaked out by this guy. You can't see it from the picture above, but he has a ridiculous long tail that swings almost to his knees. You can see it on in the video below.

That's all well and good, Brian, but what about Rumble's back story? Once we get to know the guy, we might learn to love him. What makes him tick? Has he ever been to the Arbuckles? Would he heed Gary England's warnings and seek shelter in a storm (hint: no)? The answers and so so much more are all there in Rumble's Origin story. Oh, it's a titillating tale full of drama, danger and intrigue, I assure you. I smell a movie here, people. Somebody get me Jerry Bruckheimer.

From Rumble's official website:

For hundreds of years the tale has been told around Native American campfires. A great heard of American Bison was lost in the Arbuckle Mountains during a ferocious storm – the kind only Oklahoma can produce.

Hail fell and tornadoes spun all around the herd as they stampeded, trying to find their way down to the safety of the plains.

One lone bison stayed behind as he helped each of his friends escape down a treacherous ravine… once all of his friends were safe he began his descent, only to find his way blocked by fallen boulders.

Lost, he climbed to the tallest peak; left to face the storm alone and searching for a way down the mountain, he was struck by a bolt of lightning.

The bolt did not destroy him, but, by the power of the god of thunder, changed him. Suddenly, he walked on two legs like a man. He possessed amazing strength and agility – he could jump higher, run faster, think more clearly than any beast.

But because he was longer just a bison – and yet not a man – he was alone.

With many sighting, the legend grew through the years, of a mighty bison, with remarkable powers, roaming the hills alone.

Not until a group of men who carried similar powers came to Oklahoma City did he find somewhere he belonged. These men also possessed the power to jump higher, run faster, and perform acrobatic dunks more spectacular than anyone in the land. They too carried the road of Thunder every time they took to the court.

So he joined their team. And the new legend of Rumble was born.

Man, and I thought I was comma happy. I'd love to see the first draft of that story.

Oh, and be sure you add Rumble's Blog to your list of daily must-reads!

Awesome

Sure, I guess we could be thankful to Anheuser-Busch. They donated cases and cases of canned H2O to Missouri Baptist Disaster Relief efforts during last week's ice storm in the Boot Heel. But I, for one, am offended they gave out the dented cans. On the plus side, the inferior quality of the aluminum used may make it easier for me to crush the can on my forehead.

Re: My Car

Memorandum

Date: 2.14.08
To: The Two Little Old Ladies I "Met" Yesterday

From: Brian
Re: My Car

Dear Ma'am(s):
Thank you for your recent compliments regarding my car. I assure you that when I was car shopping, I was looking for something that would appeal to your exact demographic. Little Old Lady #1, it thrilled my soul to no end when you rolled down your window at the drive-through and motioned for me to do the same. I thought maybe you were trying to tell me I had a flat tire or something but no, you just wanted to tell me I had an awesome whip and lay to rest any lingering doubts that it was indeed a chick magnet. Little Old Lady #2, I blush when I think you took time out from returning your shopping cart to the Wal-Mart cart corrall to tell me I had a sweet ride. I had just about come down from yesterday's high and you picked me right back up. Thanks again!

- Brian

Just looking is 1400 calories

As a follow up to this award-winning post, I offer you the newest breakthrough in obesity technology: The Double Bacon Cheeseburger Fatty Melt.

Oh No They Di-ent

Bust out the pitchforks and light the torches because I'm starting a riot. They've "updated" It's a Small World. Obama, I put this "change" squarely on your shoulders.

More than 40 years after the "It's A Small World" ride opened to promote world peace and showcase the cultures of the world, Disney is populating one of its most beloved attractions with its own trademark vision of the planet: Aladdin, Nemo, Ariel and more than two dozen cartoon characters plucked from its movies.

What, world peace isn't good enough now? We have to add mermaids and product placement to the rich tapestry that is humanity? It couldn't possibly get any worse. Oh wait. It can:
And those aren't the only changes visitors will find Thursday when the ride reopens:

Disney has woven a few bars from some of its hit soundtracks into the classic "Small World" melody and added a new America section that includes a nod to Los Angeles' famous Hollywood Bowl, a quaint farm scene and "Toy Story" characters.

Should you choose to read more about this abomination, feel free. I suggest your time would be better spent watching this video. My inner child is officially dead.

25 Things About Brian OR The DMV's 25 Coolest Brothers of All Time

I did a quick Google search for "25" and this is what I got.

1. One of my only true “life goals” is to set foot on all seven continents (including Antarctica) before I turn 30. I’ve knocked out North America, Europe and Africa. There is some small dispute as to whether I’ve been to Asia (Russia) or South America (Panama). Just to be safe, I don’t count them. If I haven’t accomplished this goal by June 15, 2012, I plan on taking out a large loan and hitting them all at once, ala Around the World in 80 Days. Another goal: See Paul Simon perform live.

2. I love both NPR and Rush Limbaugh.

3. I have never seen Titanic. God willing, I never will.

4. My secret shame: I enjoy watching E!.

5. Last year I saw 53 movies, spending more than four days in movie theaters. I only bought popcorn twice.

6. I have met and interviewed Ben Stein. He wore Chuck Taylors with his suit.

7. I do not make friends quickly or easily. I am too reticent, then suddenly realize it and subsequently try too hard.

8. My greatest character flaw (to the extent that I am able to see and identify such things in myself) is that I am a fence-sitter. I prefer to call it “thoughtful and easygoing.” I think I would be a better (or at least more exciting) person if I were more decisive. I'd do it, but I'd have to carefully weigh the pros and cons...

9. I broke my arm on my 16th birthday in a rather spectacular four-wheeler stunt gone wrong. It made getting my license and driving my 5-speed rather difficult.

10. I have a horrible memory for names. I would have forgotten my own roommate's name my junior year if he hadn't been named Brian.

11. I have an unnatural affection for postcards. I have sent my sister a postcard everyday she has been at OBU. I do not know what I will do when she graduates in May. (I will have sent more than 850.) As for my own collection, I have received postcards from 34 countries and about as many states.

12. Dr Pepper is my non-water beverage of choice, although I have not had one in 2009 as Step 1 in the 12sBBaWLP (12-Step Brian Betterment and Weight Loss Program). Despite my affinity for the good Doctor, I collect Coca-Cola bottles from around the world. I have bottles of various shapes, sizes and languages from USA, Mexico, Canada, Panama, Malawi, South Africa, France, England, Spain, Hungary, Romania, Holland, Russia and Iraq.

13. I am fiercely loyal to my home state of Oklahoma and cannot wait to move back there. The Joads were nothing but a bunch of lazy quitters who spit in the eye of Paradise on Earth. Boomer Sooner!

14. Grammar, spelling, editing and proofreading are not listed among my list of many many talents (and yet I pursued a career as a journalist?). Strangely, I am quite adept at compound modifiers.

15. I will probably never finish my master’s degree. Unless I decide to quit my job and move to Kansas City. I will probably never finish my master’s degree.

16. Pepperoni is the ultimate lunch meat.

17. Speaking of pepperoni… It makes my blood boil when pizza buffets do not have a steady and constant supply of pepperoni. It is the single most popular topping in the nation and there is no excuse for a buffet to ever be without a pepperoni pie. There is also no excuse for putting a single pepperoni pizza out and being surprised that it is gone in 12 seconds. I have walked out of several pizza establishments without paying when the buffet’s variety or supply has not met my standards. "You should just ask and I'm sure they'd bring one out for you." No, I shouldn't have to ask. It's a simple law of nature, people: Americans love pepperoni. How hard is it to grasp that? I have since stopped going all together, and the mere mention of them raises my blood pressure. Gah, people. Seriously.

18. I have a perfect driving record, excepting two tickets this summer for having “illegal vision reduction material” (i.e.: the state of Missouri thinks my window tint is too dark). The cost of the ticket for such an offense is more than twice what I would have paid for going 14 over in a 60 mph zone. I do not count those two tickets and still consider driving record to be perfect.

19. I have worn glasses since I was in third grade, and cannot imagine my life without them. I tried contacts for a few weeks when I was 16 (the same week I broke my arm, in fact), but preferred spectacles.

20. My greatest fear is that I hit my peak too early in life.

21. I have been to Space Camp. The 1986 film of the same name is a surprisingly accurate portrayal of the experience. I have an awesome video of the 12-year-old me in various simulators decked out in Carolina Panther fan-wear sporting epic chapped lips and an extreme southern accent.

22. In college I had surgery on my nose to help prevent snoring. The procedure was an epic failure as I remained a snorer of Olympic caliber. However, the surgery did have an awesome name: septoplasty and partial turbinectomy. I have since started using a CPAP machine and am sleeping like a baby.

23. If I were to suddenly come into a large sum of money, I would get my pilot’s license.

24. I very much enjoy choosing and giving gifts. It is without a doubt my “love language.”

25. I think “Apollos” would be an awesome name for my first-born son. Not “Apoll-o,” but “Apoll-os.” It comes from several verses in the New Testament, among them Acts. 18:24 (“A Jew named Apollos, a native Alexandrian, an eloquent man who was powerful in the Scriptures, arrived in Ephesus”). For short we could call him “Paul” or “Paulie” and thus honor my father.

Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time!

1. Put your iPod/iTunes/Zune on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
"Cherry Cherry" - Neil Diamond (You know, I bet he does an awesome live show)

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
"Walk on By" - Cake

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL
"Fluorescent" - Gwyn Stefani

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
"Theme from Fresh Prince" - Will Smith

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
"Find Me Somebody to Love" - Queen

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
"He" - Jars of Clay

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Oh come on. "Material Girl" - Madonna

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
"Love is Only a Feeling" - The Darkness

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"Friends Will Be Friends" - Queen

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
"Tragedy" - The Bee Gees

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
"Rapper's Delight" - Sugar Hill Gang

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
"Why Don't We Do it in the Road?" - Dana Fuchs (Across the Universe Soundtrack)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
"Feel Like Making Love" - Bad Company

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
"Ride 'Em Cowboys" - OSU Band

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
"Eye of the Tiger" - Survivor

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
"I'm So Lonesome I Could Die" - Johnny Cash

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
"She Loves You" - The Beatles

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
"Winter Wonderland" - The Carpenters

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
"Another Saturday Night" - David Petete

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
"Saved By the Bell" - The Bee Gees

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
"I Knew You When" - Donny Osmond

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
"Sweet Home Chicago" - The Blues Brothers

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
"Little Boxes" - Malvina Reynolds

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
"Love is not a Competition" - Kaiser Chiefs

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
"Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time" - Paul McCartney

Oh give me a - wait is that Darhma at 1:02?

Well I've Never been to Heaven...

Joyeux Jour sans Fin!

No Thanks

Here is the Ultimate Super Bowl Leftover Menu, suggested by Maxim. Just so you know, I'm not a regular reader of the publication, but stumbled to their site by clicking on a picture of the Nacho Burrito Pizza at www.cnn.com.

6-Foot French Toast

Ingredients:
1 2-inch-thick slice of sub sandwich, preferably without lettuce or tomato
1 large egg
2 tablespoons butter
1 cup milk
Salt and pepper to taste

Instructions:
Whip the egg into the milk. Dip the sandwich into the milk mixture and place into the pan with melted butter on low to medium heat. Cook until brown and amazing.

Bacon Cheese Dog

Ingredients:
1 hot dog
1 slice of thick-cut bacon
1 can of spray cheese
1/2 cup milk
1 cup flour

Instructions:
This one is a little work-intensive, so be ready to buckle down. First take the center out of the hot dog with an apple corer, if you have access to one. If not, just cut out the middle with a knife. Fill the cavity with the spray cheese and us e the hot dog you removed from the middle as a cap to keep the cheese in. Wrap the bacon around the hot dog and deep-fry for two to four minutes or until bacon is cooked.

Dab them dry with a paper towel (so the batter will stick). Mix the milk with the flour until it reaches a thick, but lump-free consistency. Dip the dogs in the batter, coating the dog completely, and deep-fry on high heat for two to three minutes or until brown and deadly. NOTE: Don't fry them too long or all of the cheese will explode out into the oil. That's very bad.

Buffalo Chicken Bleu Cheese and Potato Chip Balls

Ingredients:
1 cup chicken wing meat removed from the bone (Use a knife or your hands and not your mouth. It'll be better for everyone)
1 cup crushed potato chips (We had the ridgey kind, not the fancy kettle kind)
1 cup crumbled blue cheese
Any cream-based dip (Onion, Ranch, etc.)

Instructions:
Preheat oven at 350 degrees. Debone chicken, and then mix it in a large bowl with blue cheese and potato chips. If the chicken is particularly dry, add a little dip to make the mixture tacky. Roll the mixture into balls and place them three inches apart on a large greased sheet pan. Place in oven and bake for 15 to 18 minutes. Serve with dip.

Macaroni and Cheese and Mini-Hotdog Tiramasu

Ingredients:
1 pound cooked pasta (Any kind will work, so whatever you have left over from making macaroni salad or pasta salad will work)
3 cups cubed cheese (Again, whatever kind will work. Just try to pick the pieces no one sneezed on)
2 cups milk
1/4 cup flour

Instructions:
Mix flour into milk with a wooden spoon over low to medium heat. C ut cheese into very small pieces and use your hands to mix it in with the macaroni. Put half of the macaroni mixture into an 8-inch cake pan. Put a layer of mini–hot dogs over the bottom layer of macaroni. Put the rest of the pasta on to p of the hot dogs, then poor the milk mixture evenly over the entire thing. Bake for eight to 10 minutes. Add hot dog buns on the outside and red pepper dust to the top for effect.

Nacho Burrito Pizza

Ingredients:
1 14-inch premade pizza
1 cup crushed tortilla chips
1 cup grated cheese
1 pound ground beef cooked with taco seasoning
1 1/2 cup sour cream
12 jalepeño poppers

Instructions:
If the pizza is raw, cook it, but don't burn it. Take fresh nacho ingredients like we did or a plate of old, leftover nachos and make a line right down the center of the pizza. Apply jalepeño poppers. Then carefully wrap the pizza around the filling, leaving one end open for presentation.

Mattel, What Have You Done to my Beloved GI Joe?

My personal Top 3? In no particular order:

• Koala violence is never funny. No wait. It is.
• The people at Doritos know physical comedy is a winner.
• Conventional and not all that creative. But funny.
  
• Honorable Mention: Alec Baldwin is an alien, but a hilarious alien. Was he wearing lipstick? Great slogan Hulu, great slogan. I tip my hat to you.

My Bottom 3?

• The trailers for GI Joe, Star Trek and Race to Witch Mountain
• Dishonorable Mention: Anything mentioning Heroes or anything shot in 3D.