Vocab Lesson #2

As I've previously mentioned, one of the best things about going back to school - even part-time - is learning new words and concepts. The latest list:

• Gentillic
  
• Sapiential
  
• Pharaonic
  
• Theodicy
  
• Theophany
• Disinterested piety
• Stich
• Chiasm
• Psalter
• Imprecatory
• Sagacity
• Terminus a quo
• Terminus ad quem
• Excursus
• Paronomasia
• Sitz-im-Leben
  

Going the Distance

The average American sees a movie in theaters four times a year. I did that just yesterday (Tropic Thunder, Ghost Town, Hancock, Burn After Reading). I don't know if I'm proud of that or not, but I am proud that I stayed awake through all four..

Huh?

These are two of the latest ads from Microsoft (presumably in response to the I'm a PC, I'm a Mac ads) and they're... I uh... hmmph. I don't know what to say. They aren't bad, per se, but... Bill Gates adjusting his shorts then doing the Robot? Churros? Toenail clippings?

Oh, and the campaign cost $300 million.


Video: Shoe Circus


Video: New Family

Best.Thing.Ever.

Holy crap, drop what you're doing right now and go to www.morecowbell.dj/. It allows you to upload any MP3 file and customize the amount of cowball AND Christopher Walken you want. I don't know about you, but I thought Coldplay's Viva La Vida could use some pepping up. I went with 84% cowbell, and 67% Walken.

Listen to my remix of Vida La Vida.

Go America! Go Broncos!

(South Park can be profane, gratuitous and sacrilegious and certainly isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but I do think this one episode is worth watching. While it’s not something I’d watch with my grandma, it really isn’t that bad. I promise you you won’t go to Hell. Go to www.southparkstudios.com/episodes. It’s in Season 5 and is in between the somewhat less globally aware episodes, Towelie and How to Eat With Your Butt.)

It’s Sept. 11, and that means everyone’s thoughts turn to that Tuesday morning seven years ago when, to be blunt, life got a heckuva lot more scary.

For better or worse, we’ve mostly forgotten the sting we felt while watching TV and despite the omnipresent Orange Threat level at the airport, we’ve forgotten just how tense things were. The latter, point probably isn’t a bad thing. It’s good and healthy to remember how we felt, but it’s also important to move on and continue with life. Two specific things stick out in my mind that I found personally helpful when it came to resuming my everyday life. It’s pretty telling about my generation that those two things are Saturday Night Life and South Park.

The return of SNL and Rudy Giuliani’s monologue gave us “permission to laugh and be funny again.” Seeing Lorne Michaels and Mayor Giuliani banter back and forth in what would have normally been been very un-funny bit, surrounded by New York firemen and cops, was truly one of the great TV moments in history.

Then there's the first post-Sept. 11 episode of South Park, Osama bin Laden has Farty Pants. This show gave us permission to feel confused, indignant, angry, jingoistic and some good old fashion We’re Gonna Kick Your *** patriotism. While those emotions are obviously destructive and negative (patriotism at least deserves much finer nuance), it sure did feel good to feel and express those emotions. We got our anger out of its bottle and into the open. Once that first step was out of the way, dealing with life and reality in a modern age of terrorism could truly begin in earnest.

South Park’s 74^th episode, which aired 26 days after the attacks, was nominated for an Emmy. Largely, I think, because it embodied how I and many Americans felt. (The ultra-quick turnaround of South Park's crude animation style allowed Matt Stone and Trey Parker to write and produce such a topical episode in such a short time.)

The citizens of South Park, Colo. were not immune to the events of 9/11. Everyone is afraid of terrorists and common buildings in the show are draped with the American flag. The episode’s opening shot shows our four “heroes” at the bus stop, just like the opening of any other episode, but this time, they’re wearing gas masks and the police are checking their backpacks for anthrax and box cutters. It’s a pretty stark image and, even though I hesitate to put too much weight on a crudely animated cartoon’s shoulders, it lets us know that they (the writers, characters, Comedy Central) were also pretty freaked out. The opening lines, as the boys wait at the bus stop:

Stan: Remember when life used to be simple and cool?

Pause

Eric: Not really.

Butters enters, not wearing his gas mask.

Stan: Butters! What are you doing?

Butters: Just being a kid. Why?

Scatter throughout a hilarious Stevie Nicks/goat joke, the Tex Avery-style lampooning of bin Laden, the jab at America's addiction to cable news, the requisite scatological humor and a romance with a camel, I think you get a pretty good picture of American’s knee-jerk reaction to Sept. 11.

Then there’s the ending:

Stan: America may have some problems, but it's our home, our team. If you don't want to root for your team, then you should get the hell out of the stadium. Go America! Go Broncos!

It may be a little too simplistic and our nation is certainly the cause of our fair share of problems (concerned parents might label South Park as one of those problems), but I think that in this case, we can learn a little from South Park, if only about ourselves and our nation. I realize I’m treading dangerously close to endorsing what the show lampoons, but even today I can’t help but wave the Red, White and Blue and think that if you don’t want to root for your team, get the heck out of the stadium.

Go America! Go Broncos!

Jesus is My Friend

Be sure you watch it all the way through

Keep it ChaCha!

If you have not yet experienced the unbridled joy that is ChaCha, you, my friend, are living a sad and lonely existence.

ChaCha is a free, text-based “concierge” service of sorts. You call their toll-free number (800-224-2242) and ask it any question you want. Within a few seconds (usually) ChaCha confirms your question and in a minute or two replies with the answer. The only hitch is that you’re of course charged the normal amount for each text message and so if you get addicted (like I did), you can end up asking ChaCha more than 100 questions during a long road trip, thus raking in more than 200 texts in a few hours. It’s not healthy, or fiscally responsible, but man did it make the time fly.

Since ChaCha converts my voice question into text before it is answered by a person using, Google (I assume), sometimes the questions get garbled. Often ChaCha tosses in odd, semi-related information. I know it sounds retarded, but it’s kinda like the excitement you felt the first time you used a chat room back in the day.

It all started off as a bet and a few “legitimate questions.” While some friends and I were “working” in New Orleans (see previous post), we were inundated with bugs that were mating. Which was the male and which was the female? We had to know.

BK: In general, which are bigger: female bugs, or male bugs?
ChaCha: Female insects and spiders are often much bigger than their male counterparts, while the opposite is usually true in mammals such as deer and sheep. It just depends. Keep it ChaCha!

A few minutes later, as we crossed the 28-mile causeway that spans Lake Ponchatrain, we were curious:

BK: Is Lake Pontchartrain the largest lake in the world?
ChaCha: Nope. By volume, the largest lake in the world is Lake Caspian. It contains 18,900 cubic miles of H2O. ChaCha for now!

If Chris were to careen off the bridge, would the van sink hundreds of feet, trapping us in a watery grave? Let's ask ChaCha!

BK: How deep is Lake Pontchartrain?
ChaCha: It averages only 12-14 feet deep in most areas. What else can ChaCha do for you?

Then things started to get silly. A few highlights:

BK: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
ChaCha: The average woodchuck would chuck so much wood he wouldn’t know how much wood he chucked. ChaCha!

BK: Do you want to have dinner Friday night?
ChaCha: I’m busy Friday night. Sorry. ChaCha Out.

BK: To be, or not to be?
ChaCha: To be! ChaCha rocks!

BK: What’s that smell?
ChaCha: I don’t know. Can you describe it? Keep it ChaCha!

BK: How tall is Dave _____ ? (A co-worker)
ChaCha: Dave ____ is 6 feet, 2 inches tall, or 1.88 meters tall. Keep on ChaChaing! (Good try, ChaCha. Dave is 6'5".)

BK: What did you think of Heath Ledger’s performance in The Dark Knight?
ChaCha: Heath Ledger did very well. He played a role I didn’t think he could pull off. ChaCha!

BK: Just how awesome is Chic-Fil-A?
ChaCha: I’ve never actually eaten at one, but I have a friend in Texas who loves them. ChaCha for now!

BK: Who is your pick in November?
ChaCha: Obama, duh! Keep it ChaCha!

BK: Do you feel lucky, Punk?
ChaCha: Why yes, I do feel lucky! Thanks for doing the ChaCha!

BK: What is the square root of 3? (there isn’t one)
ChaCha: 1.3205081. Good luck in math and stay in school. ChaCha!

BK: Do bird burps smell like bugs?
ChaCha: Birds do not burp, but they do barf up their food to feed their young and it smells like whatever they ate, including bugs. Keep on ChaCha!

BK: Is crack really whack? (ChaCha misunderstood my question and thought I had a question about “track”)
ChaCha: No! Track and Field is an excellent sport. Go ChaCha!

BK: Should I shave my head so I’d be totally bald?
ChaCha: Yes! A few bald men in Hollywood have the hottest wives. Think Vin Diesel. You WILL get the ladies. Try it! Do the ChaCha!

BK: Do you know the muffin man?
ChaCha: Yep. Keep on ChaCha-ing.

BK: Heads or tails?
ChaCha: HEADS! Thanks for using ChaCha!

BK: Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
ChaCha: Science has not yet answered that key question, but I do know that the Egg McMuffin came before the Chicken McNugget. ChaCha!

BK: Why did Bambi’s mother have to die?
ChaCha: Sadly, her death is what makes the story. It is a sad reality. Keep asking ChaCha!

BK: Who is cooler: Simon, or Garfunkel?
ChaCha: Garfunkel. His name sounds cooler. ChaCha Forever!

BK: Meat Loaf said he would do anything for love but “that.” What is “that?”
ChaCha: “I’ll never forget the way you feel right now, oh no, no way.” ChaCha on!

BK: Which is better: The Pathway or the Word and Way?
ChaCha: I prefer The Pathway. What else can ChaCha do for you?

BK: Is the book of Hezekiah in the Old or New Testament?
ChaCha: Hezekiah is not a book in the Bible, although he does appear in 2 Chronicles and 2 Kings (Old Testament). Do the ChaCha!

BK: Do these pants make my butt look big?
ChaCha: If they are jeans, then probably not. Back pockets make all the difference in the world in perceived butt size and jean back pockets help minimize. ChaCha Forever!

BK: If I break open a glow stick and drink the contents, will my urine glow in the dark?
ChaCha: I don’t think so. It takes 26 hours on average for liquid to pass through your system and glow sticks don’t glow that long. Plus, they are poison. ChaCha on through the night!

BK: What is the secret ingredient in your mother’s famous pecan pie, and don’t say “love”?
ChaCha: My mom doesn’t make pecan pie. Sorry. ChaCha!

BK: I’d like to buy the world a Coke. How much will this set me back?
ChaCha: As of Sept. 2008, the world’s population is estimated to be 6.721 billion. Assuming a Coke is $1, it would cost about $6.721 billion. What else can ChaCha do for you?

BK: Where’s the beef?
ChaCha: At Wendy’s! I went there for lunch and checked. Sure enough, the beef was there. Keep it ChaCha!

BK: What is the best flavor of Doritos?
ChaCha: My all time favorite was Sour Cream & Onion, but they stopped making them. Now, I just put hot sauce on the originals and it rocks! Thanks for choosing ChaCha!

BK: Who is your favorite Muppet?
ChaCha: Oscar the Grouch. I also like Cookie Monster and I’m offended they changed him to a Veggie Monster. ChaCha the night away!

BK: How much is that doggie in the window? ARF ARF!
ChaCha: Please clarify which window you’re talking about. Thnx for ChaCha-n!

BK: What does the cow say?
ChaCha: Generally, “moo.” Keep it ChaCha!

And now my personal favorites:

BK: Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
ChaCha: ChaCha is ALWAYS happy to see you! ChaCha on!

BK: What’s that one movie with the guy and the girl and the thing in that place?
ChaCha: Sound of Music. Keep it ChaCha!

BK: Just how fat is Santa Claus?
ChaCha: I just took an informal office poll: He weighs about 350 lbs, and his pant size is 50. His belly is like jelly. ChaCha on!

BK: Are they real? (This was in reference to the flowers decorated our table at a Mississippi Chic-Fil-A, although I instantly realized my question could be interpreted in a much more… interesting manner. I think ChaCha misunderstood my question, but the answer is pretty darn funny if you interpret the question in the “interesting” way.)
ChaCha: They are an imaginary tale to excite Childen for the holidays. Thanks for using ChaCha!

Working our tails off in Hurricane-ravaged New Orleans

Instead of finding the devastation and suffering we'd been hearing about on the news, we instead came upon a roving band of pirates, drinking their fill of various intoxicating beverages (with a hearty "ARRG!" instead of "Cheers!"). We just couldn't leave the restaurant without asking them if we could have our picture taken with them. Their answer? ARRRG!

They gave us pirate names (I can't repeat mine), and gathered close in. 1, 2, 3 ARRRG!.

Of course, drunken pirates don't make good photographers and they only left the upper half of Katie's face and the right half of Chris' face. You can see most of my face in the back row and then some of Sean's hair. Then there's the weird guy in the painting on the wall.

Move over, Mrs. McNabb

Umm, wow.

Have a Coke, Comrade

Leave it to an American company that pretty much defines the color red to make capitalistic inroads in China. Better dead than red. Thank God I'm a Pepper.