Who Knew Jon Stewart was a Good Singer?

This is my generation's Rudolf the Rednosed Reindeer, How the Grinch Stole Christmas and Merry Christmas Charlie Brown! all rolled into one:

The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

A Colbert Christmas: Jon Stewart

Colbert at Christmas
Colbert Christmas DVD

Green Screen
Bill O'Reilly Interview

With Apologies to Johnny Nash

I can see clearly now, the tint is gone,

I can see all obstacles in my car's way,
Gone are the windows that made me blind*,
It's gonna be a bright (bright) bright (bright) no-ticket day,

I think I can make it now the glass is clear,
I will pay my fine right away,

Though I think Missouri law is dumb,
It's gonna be a bright (bright) bright (bright) no-ticket day,

Look around, there's nothin' but clear glass,

Look straight ahead, nothin' but clear glaaaaaAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAaaaaaaaass,

I can see clearly now the tint is gone,

There are no troopers demading that I pay,

Gone are the dark panels that got me stopped**,

It's gonna be a bright (bright) bright (bright) no-ticket day.

* supposedly

** twice

Stop It.

Webster's Dictionary defines "lame" as:

• Crippled or physically disabled, esp. in the foot or leg so as to limp or walk with difficulty
• Impaired or disabled through defect or injury: as in, a lame arm.
• Weak; inadequate; unsatisfactory; clumsy: as in, "Webster's Dictionary defines _____ as _____" is a lame rhetorical device.

Can't we all put aside our difference and agree that no one beyond middle school is allowed to begin a thought with such a lame, LAME phrase?

Well THAT was an $83 lunch break

They say you learn something new everyday. Today's lesson, boys and girls, is that just because you've only received one ticket for "excessive vision reduction materials" in the past three years, it doesn't mean you can safely assume it'll be another three years before some bored highway patrolman pounces.

When this happened back in June, I decided that I would just keep my 85 percent tint (the legal limit is 65) and take my chances. I'd been driving in Missouri for more than three years, had had a cop inspect my vehicle after that gay hit-and-run garbage truck AND driven alongside literally dozens of highway patrol cruisers each day (the MOHP HQ is on my way to work) AND had two safety inspections with no problems. One stop in three years? I'll pay the $83 and keep my awesome windows.

As it turns out, I only had three months, not three more years before it caught up with me. I acknowledged that I'd been stopped for this before (better to admit it than to have him punch it up on the computer) and he asked me why I hadn't removed it. "Cashflow" I said, which is mostly true. I resent having my cash paid to remove something so petty. He said I could pick it off with my fingernail so there was no excuse. For the record, I picked at the entire time he was writing me the ticket and couldn't remove a single speck. I guess I'll have to go at it with a razor blade.

So yeah. I'm frustrated with myself (it's embarrassing to admit you ignored the law because you thought you'd get away with it), mad that I have to drop $83 and even more annoyed that I'm going to have to figure out a way to lose my tint.

I know I broke the law (twice) and I certainly didn't argue with the offericer. I'll dutifully sign the line, plead guilty and pony up the $83. But come on. TWICE now you've crossed the median and chased me down for tint? I'd understand if I had been speeding (even a little bit) and you tacked it on, but come on.

If you're reading, President-elect Obama, I suggest that your new economic stimulous package include a moratorium on tint tickets. YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN!

Scoop!

Guess who totally scooped Slate.com... by more than three weeks, no less! That's right, David Plotz, that's right. You and your staff may be exponentially better writers than I can ever hope to be, but I've been all over this story since mid-October. (Never mind the fact that it was the Omaha World Herald that tipped me off and the story itself is more than a year old. The important thing is that I beat you.)

Wow, first Rolling Stone's Peter Travers plagiarizes one of my reviews, and now the web's best magazine is looking to me for content. There just might be something to this blogging thing.

"The Bald Eagle"

Late afternoon on Sunday found me sitting in my garage trimming my hair. This isn't an entirely out of the ordinary occurrence, and I'm actually pretty good at keeping things even. Of course, that plastic depth guard helps. The thing the evil hair clipper manufacturer fat cats fail to mention is that you should ALWAYS double-, no, triple-check that said guard is on the clippers.

Should you fail to triple-check, there's a surprisingly high probability that your noggin will end up with a bald strip the width of the clipper blade.

The sad thing is that this the second time this has happened to me. The first time I gave myself a reverse mohawk, carving a valley right down the middle of my head. Luckily, the hair on the tippy top of my head is thin anyway, so once I'd trimmed the rest to 1/8 inch, it didn't look that bad. The really sad thing is that since I don't have to cut my hair that often, I've only done it 10 or so times. That means I have a 20 percent failure rate.

This time, I accidentally shaved (and believe me, "shaved" is the right word) my right temple. I didn't think I could rescue the situation by myself (plus I'd lost my 1/8 inch guard) so I called up Chris to see if he and Katie would be willing to help me decide on a new do. I was pretty sure he'd be willing, since one of his all-time favorite stories is when I showed up at his door with my new un-mohawk and a sheepish grin. (When I called to see if I could come over, all I had to say was "so I was cutting my hair and..." and he started laughing.)

Anyway, they helped and despite looking like I have 3-day stubble growth all over my head, it actually looks pretty good and - most important - intentional. Chris and Katie tried to persuade me to go ahead and "bic it," but I'm not ready to make that commitment yet. I have this sneaking suspicion I have a funny-shaped head with odd lumps here and there.

Even though I'm not ready make the bald plunge, I did get a chance to think about the potential advantages of being among the follicle-challenged. Heck, I'm 95 percent there already. And that remaining 5 percent is only a matter of time.

• I'm going to save a fortune on shampoo. You can't overestimate the value of frugality in today's economy.
• Washing my hair will take a cool 13 seconds. Styling it will take zero seconds.
  
• If I go ahead and bic it, I can finally donate to Locks of Love.
• Just think how much more aerodynamic I'm going to be! I'm going to be setting land speed records left and right.
  
• I look good in hats.
• I can further cement my new nickname: "The Bald Eagle."
  
• The line between me and Vin Diesel is further blurred.
  

[I] are the Champions!

Regardless of who we elect today, the real winner is:

a) The People
b) The American Dream
c) Democracy
d) None of the above

The answer is d) None of the above. Who is the real winner? The winner is yours truly.

I have successfully exorcised the McDonald's-Monopoly Demon!

Where, O oily hash brown, is thy sting? Where, O deceptive chance at a Dodge Viper, is thy victory? Yes, you were strong, Ronald McDonald! Yes, you were mighty, Uncle Pennybags! But I was stronger! I was mightier! Gaze in crumpling, awestruck defeat as I beat my chest in a primal rage and let out a hair-raising roar of defiant victory. I am Free Will. I OWN YOU, Monopoly at McDonald's! I OWN YOU! May the glorious victory chant echo through the chambers of eternity: I are the Champions, my friends / I kept on fighting, till the end! / No time for losers, / 'cause I are the champions... of the world!

Don't expect the liberal media to report this little news item. They're too obsessed with this so-called "historic" election. Journalism is dead. Sigh.

What to do, what to do?

Tonight I plan to spend as much time as possible keeping my blood pressure in the safe range by avoiding the trickle of election results. Why torture myself for eight or more hours when I can do something else worthwhile and learn the results in one quick fell swoop, just like a blunt blow to the back of my head? Polls schmolls; I ain't goin' cotton no premature speculation and projection.

So, the question of the day is this:

How Should I Spend My Evening NOT Watching the Election Returns?
	Be a man. Order a pizza and watch 'em anyway.
	Go to a movie you really don't want to see.
	Clean your kitchen.
	Learn to play the fiddle.
	Take a nap.
pollcode.com free polls

You've Done it Again, Google

Way to go, Google. I salute you and cleverness.

Although I am turned off by your blatant electioneering. Everyone knows "g" is in the tank for Obama and has been since the beginning.

That said, I appreciate that G gets a booth specially designed for the ever increasing numbers of obese Americans.

You Bet Your Sweet Bippy, I Voted!

Three cheers for democracy (more precisely, consitutional republicanism) in action!

Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah!

Hey Look! It's That Lady from Saturday Night Live!

One of several pix of Sarah Palin I took this morning.
Click here to view the whole album.

Whlie I was driving to church yesterday morning I heard on the radio that the Republican nominnee for vice president would be making an 11th hour campaign stop a mere three blocks from my office. I'm still miffed that I missed the president when he whipped through town last year, so I wasn't going to miss this. I zipped over to the MISSOURI VICTORY CENTER (seriously, just call it a "campaign office") and was able to get a ticket and still make it to church on time.

Even if she and McCain lose tomorrow, it was still fun experience.

Palin was scheduled to speak at noon and the gates opened at 8, so I knew I was in for a long morning. Since my parking lot is so close to the Capitol, I was paranoid some dork would snake it, so I planned to get there extra early. At 7:30 I began walking to the Capitol and by the time I got there, the line was already three blocks long.

I amused myself in line by people watching (I had brought a great book to read, but I can't read standing up... go figure). There was wide variety of Republican and McCain paraphernalia. Of course, eight years ago, these party faithful probably despised McCain. That's why the sensible voter relies on issues and not personality [WARNING: POLITICAL TANGENT AHEAD]. I think endorsing a candidate is useless and narcissistic, but here's my stance on a few issues. I'll let you guess who will win my vote.

• I believe a smaller government is a good thing (this is one area where Bush has clearly failed us).
• I believe lowering taxes across the board is an unequivically good thing.
• I'm am very much pro-life.
• (Security/defense) Biden has said Obama will be tested in the first six months of his administration. That's probably true and in and of itself isn't a damning statement. Who knows, he might surprise Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity and pass that test with flying colors. The question remains: Do you want someone who might pass the test and show his mettle, or do you want someone who was tested for five years in a POW camp and passed with flying colors?
• (Willing to cross the aisle) Do you want the most liberal person in the senate to be president, or would you prefer someone who has been the very definition of bi-partisan and centrist for 30 years, so much so that he has angered the Republican elite in years passed?
• I believe the 2nd Amendment is a sacred right. We need an Administration willing to defend that right.
  
• The Fairness Doctrine is wrong and is a violation of the 1st Amendment. We need an Administration willing to be the check and balance against an overwhelmingly democratic Congress that has public said it will be on their agenda.
• I believe we need to secure our borders (this is another area where Bush has failed and McCain is soft).
  

Back to the rally.

The gates opened at 8 and we slowly filed in. I was in the riffraff "white ticket" crowd. Those with yellow tickets got to sit on the Capitol steps. Lucky jerks. OK, so they were mostly veterans. Sure, I staked my claim in the third row with a nice 3/4 view of the podium, but I also ended up standing for nearly six hours. I'm not built for that. Normal humans aren't built for that.

Organizers tried to keep the crowd happy until the appointed hour by pumping in music. You haven't lived until you've seen/heard 20,000 Republicans rocking out to "American Pie." (See the last video below.) Jefferson City is only home to 39,000.

Local and state Republicans took the stage beginning at 11 or so. There were many jokes and jabs at Democrats. A few of them were funny. A few of them. At one point, gubernatorial candidate Kenny Hullshof had us turn around and shout at the offices of the attorney general and his democratic opponent, Jay Nixon. Nixon is going to clean his clock, but it was fun for a few seconds. The best jab of the day was when Random Republican (I lost track) said "I know some of you think it's too late to register to vote. I have good news! ACORN is here and they're ready to squeeze you all in!" Touche Random Republican. Touche.

Finally, it was time for Tina Fey to take the stage. She emerged from the doors of the Capitol and made her way down the steps as Dolly Parton's 9 to 5 played over the PA. I would have preferred something fun like North to Alaska but 9 to 5 is OK. Her husband, Todd, was there too. No word on Track, Trig, Tractor, Truckstop or Trichenosis.

Speaking of music, who got the honor of introducing Gov. Palin? Why, Hank Williams, Jr. (inexplicably nicknamed, "Bocephus"), of course! (FYI, Wikipedia says that it's "BoCephus" and not "Bosephus.")

He started off with National Anthem (see video below) and then went right into a McCain-Palinized version of his (I'm told) hit, Family Tradition (again, see video below). The Dems get Ludacris, Repubs get Bocephus. His song isn't exactly going to go down in the annals of history as a shining example of political rhetoric, but I guess some people liked it. He'll probably help McCain cinch the all-important female grizzly vote in Idaho (keep reading). Me, I could have done without it.

The left wing liberal media have
Always been a real close knit family
But, most of the American People
Don't believe em anyway ya see
Stop and think it over
Before you make your decision
If they smell something
They're gonna come down strong
It's a McCain - Palin tradition

Now this old Union's got problems
That is plain to see
The Democrats bankrupted Fannie Mae N Freddie Mac
Just like 1, 2, 3
The bankers didn't want to make all those bad loans,
But Bill Clinton said you got to
Now they want a bail out, what I'm talking about
Is a Democrat liberal who do

CHORUS
John N Sarah tell ya
Just what they think
And they're not gonna blink
And they're gonna fix this country
Cause they're just like you N ole Hank
Yes John is a maverick
And Sarah fixed Alaska's broken condition
They're gonna go just fine
We're headed for better times
It's a McCain - Palin tradition

I am very proud of America's name
Bu no society is perfect
And we have had our stains
If I'm down at the coffee shop and
Somebody wants to give our flag friction
We say please move on
Cause we're standing strong
That's an old John McCain tradition

Some are bound to tell you I'm
Preaching to the choir
And that is very true
And we are going even higher
Like a mama bear in Idaho
She'll protect your family's condition
If you mess with her cubs
She's gonna take off the gloves
It's an American female tradition

Repeat Chorus

Hank Hill would have loved it.

FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY Palin spoke. She was pretty much on message, although I was very upset that she used a teleprompter. A) Aren't we picking on Obama for being too reliant on a script? and B) it's totally blocked my perfect view that I fought for.

OH FOR THE LOVE OF PETE

How perfect would that shot have been?

Then it was over, except for the baby-kissing and thumbs up when someone shouted "Barracuda." For a first political rally (and one that will likely be meaningless this time Wednesday) it was pretty fun and VERY interesting. My observations and final thoughts:

• When I run for office, there will be chairs. Lots and lots of chairs.
  
• My supporters (or enemies) can hold up any sign they want. I hate to say there is anything fake about the campaign, but the truth must be told. I already mentioned they confiscated all the signs at the gate. Once you got inside, they passed out new signs. I watched them pass them out. They were all the same size and were stacked in order (red, then white, then blue) to ensure a proper distribution among the crowd. I'm sure 100 percent of the sentiments on the signs were heartfelt and genuine (otherwise, why wave it around like a mad man) but it's still a little weird. That said, they had some pretty fun signs. My fav: "The Moose is Lose!" "Happy Palin Day!" one of the ones left outside the gate, is also awesome.
  
• Todd Palin looks tired.
• Republicans are very creative when it comes to head wear
  
• The Secret Service dudes (and two dudettes) were on the ball.
• At least three black Missourians support McCain-Palin. Don't tell Jesse Jackson.
  
• I'm over this whole Joe the Plumber thing. I was glad he didn't make an appearance.
  
• Sarah Palin looks very good in jeans.
• Be sure you check out my pix.
  

A few short videos: