Seriously, I'm Not Making This Up

Ernie Chambers

(via the Omaha World-Herald)

I don’t even know where to begin on this one.

God is officially off the hook: A judge recently through out a lawsuit by former state senator from Omaha, Neb. who was suing God. Yes, that God.

Ernie Chambers, the senator for Nebraska’s 11th district, filed the suit last September. What did God ever do to Ernie? No, He didn’t steal his rubber duckie. Mr. Chambers is seeking a “permanent injunction ordering Defendant to cease certain harmful activities and the making of terroristic threats.” The plaintiff further alleges that God “directly and proximately has caused fearsome floods, horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornados, pestilential plagues” and more. I will pause here to point out that the plural of "tornado" is "tornadoes" and I'm not sure "terroristic" is a real word. I'm not the best when it comes to proofreading (this blog is living, breathing proof), but for the love of The Defendant, get a second pair of eyes on your legal proceedings. I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. At least he didn't call God the "Master of Mayhem" or "Doctor of Destruction."

God has countersued the extremely liberal 38-year legislative veteran (Don't take my word for it, ask Mother Jones... I will give them credit for a great title), accusing Chamber of, among other things, absolutely absurd and abominable alliteration.

No seriously. Apparently God has actually responded to the suit. The Douglas County Court clerk told the local newspaper that two court filings from God appeared a week or so after the initial request for injunction was filed. In one, “God” apparently refutes Chamber’s thinking: “I created man and woman with free will, and next to the promise of immortal life, free will is my greatest gift to you.” Seriously. I’m not making this up. There was no contact information on the filing, although St. Michael the Archangel is listed as a witness. Again, I’m dead serious. Notice how God deviousoly skirts the issue of His culpability regarding the afformentioned horrendous hurricanes and falls back on the old "free will" song and dance. Who does God think He's fooling? Answer the question, God!

Finally, after what was I’m sure a very stressful year for God, a court has thrown out the case. Apparently, Chamber had “failed to serve proper legal notice to God” and added that the “defendant has an unlisted address.” Again, I’m totally serious. Chambers responded by arguing the Almighty shouldn't need notice because God already knows everything. Actually, that's a pretty good point. God responded to that, I'm guessing here, by giggling so hard He started squirting milk out His nose and thus He couldn’t hit the SMITE button.

Here’s where it gets REALLY interesting: Chambers isn’t suing God because of the hurricanes, tornadoes, etc. In fact, he’s a very proud and public agnostic who doesn't believe for a second that God is responsible for anything, let alone alliterative atrocities. No, he told the press that his goal was to fight legislation that would restrict the filing of frivolous lawsuits.

“The Constitution requires that the courthouse doors be open, so you cannot prohibit the filing of suits,” he told the local newspaper. “Anyone can sue anyone they choose, even God.”

Yeah… let’s defend frivolous lawsuits by wasting the Courts' time and money on the most frivolous suit we can think of. We need to hook Mr. Chambers up with this chick. Plus, as a good liberal, shouldn’t he be concerned that this would be a severe overlapping of church and state? Even if the court ruled in his favor and granted the injunction, that would mean the court and Nebraska law, would be officially recognizing God’s existence. Pure genius.